I know I haven’t posted over here in like a month, but I’ve been going back and forth about whether I want to keep this blog, switch back over to just blogging on AlmostVegGirlie or what. So I’m planning on posting some more recipe-type posts over here, as well as more personal posts like this one. Partly because I’m a little shy when it comes to talking about this sort of stuff, and I know fewer people read over here 😉
Today’s topic is one that’s hard for me to write about. And truth be told, if it weren’t for recent circumstances, I wouldn’t be writing it. However, I feel like what I’m going to say needs to be said, because it’ll make me feel better to get the emotions out in a more organized way, and I think it’s an important lesson for a lot of girls/women out there.
So it started out with a conversation my sister and I had a few months ago. We were just driving around, to Target I think, and the topic of relationships came up. We both came to the conclusion that neither of us wanted to sacrifice our careers to follow a guy around, and we wanted to put our own lives first. I don’t think we’re alone in that sentiment, either. What’s so wrong about following your own passions, and then trying to find time to fit someone else in? And if you want to be married, engaged, etc. while trying to find yourself then more power to ya. I just don’t think it’s for everyone.
Anyways, a couple months passed and now things are complicated. I don’t want to get too personal because I’m still not sure how I feel, but let’s just say I’ve been really questioning my sexuality lately. I’m wondering if what I’m feeling is real, simply because I ignored or didn’t notice these feelings before, but I’m still not ready to make a decision one way or the other. My sister, on the other hand, is pretty damn straight from what I can tell. She constantly talks about how she wants to marry Adam Levine, etc. And…she just got a boyfriend, her first. Understandably, she’s excited and part of me is excited for her. But part of me is pissed beyond belief that she completely forgot what we were talking about in October. She’ll be graduating from high school in May, and she’s really driven to follow her chosen career of musical theatre, with the hopes of making it on Broadway someday. I really admire her for her passion to follow this dream, as it is a competitive field to pursue. She’s still waiting to hear back from all of the colleges she applied to, and still has to audition for some. So why she would choose this time, of all times, to be in a relationship is beyond me. I don’t know how long this will last, but it’s upsetting to me for several reasons. One, she’s already blowing me off in favor of this guy. I’m about to graduate from college, and even though I’m moving back home, it’s not in my plans to stay for long. My job search will kick into high gear as soon as Christmas break starts, and if all works out right, I’ll be in my own apartment, hopefully in another state, working for a TV station. So it’s understandable that I want to spend as much time as possible with my sister, my best friend, before I hopefully leave for good. She’ll also be leaving once she goes off to college because she’ll probably end up at an out-of-state school, so the chances of us seeing each other often will be slim. Which is natural, I know, but it makes sense that I want to hang out with her before that time comes.
Another reason I’m upset is that it makes me feel like a failure. My younger sister, still in high school, has a relationship before I ever did. And no, the 3 week long fling in 7th grade doesn’t count, I don’t think we even held hands. My mom is really excited for my sister, and is simultaneously trying to reassure me that I’ll end up finding a guy, probably at work. And I’m struggling with trying to tell her that maybe I’m not actually interested in guys, and why does it matter if I’m single or not? Before my sister got into this relationship (which, BTW, only started this week so it hasn’t been going on forever), I was perfectly fine being a single lady. It never upset me that I wasn’t with someone, only a little bit when well-meaning people would jokingly ask “Do you have a boyfriend?” And it only upsets me because I think people expect that girls, all girls, need a man by their side to have any worth. And that is ridiculously untrue. I’m finally becoming more secure in myself, and it sure as hell isn’t because I have a boyfriend. It’s because I’m valuing myself more, and not worrying so much about what other people think. I don’t need someone to complete me, because I’m a complete person in and of myself!
That being said, I’m not opposed to a relationship. But as I mentioned, things are complicated for me right now, and I don’t want to complicate them further. I want to focus all my energy on finding a job I will like or even love and building a new life for myself in a new place. I don’t think it’s selfish to want to pursue this. And it doesn’t make me a lonely person because I’m alone. I have friends. I have family. Most of all, I’ve gained so much independence living on my own at school for the past year and a half that I feel perfectly okay with being alone sometimes.
If you’re alone, but not lonely, I want you to know that we’re in the same boat, and it’s totally okay! If you don’t feel like you have to have somebody at this point in your life, that’s great. I just want more women out there to realize that you’re not weird if you don’t have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) and life will go on if you don’t want to be in a relationship at one point or another. Just value yourself for who YOU are, and that’s all that matters.
What’s your take on this touchy subject?