Alone but not Lonely.

I know I haven’t posted over here in like a month, but I’ve been going back and forth about whether I want to keep this blog, switch back over to just blogging on AlmostVegGirlie or what. So I’m planning on posting some more recipe-type posts over here, as well as more personal posts like this one. Partly because I’m a little shy when it comes to talking about this sort of stuff, and I know fewer people read over here 😉

Today’s topic is one that’s hard for me to write about. And truth be told, if it weren’t for recent circumstances, I wouldn’t be writing it. However, I feel like what I’m going to say needs to be said, because it’ll make me feel better to get the emotions out in a more organized way, and I think it’s an important lesson for a lot of girls/women out there.

So it started out with a conversation my sister and I had a few months ago. We were just driving around, to Target I think, and the topic of relationships came up. We both came to the conclusion that neither of us wanted to sacrifice our careers to follow a guy around, and we wanted to put our own lives first. I don’t think we’re alone in that sentiment, either. What’s so wrong about following your own passions, and then trying to find time to fit someone else in? And if you want to be married, engaged, etc. while trying to find yourself then more power to ya. I just don’t think it’s for everyone.

Me and my sissy, from less stressful times this summer.

Me and my sissy, from less stressful times this summer.

Anyways, a couple months passed and now things are complicated. I don’t want to get too personal because I’m still not sure how I feel, but let’s just say I’ve been really questioning my sexuality lately. I’m wondering if what I’m feeling is real, simply because I ignored or didn’t notice these feelings before, but I’m still not ready to make a decision one way or the other. My sister, on the other hand, is pretty damn straight from what I can tell. She constantly talks about how she wants to marry Adam Levine, etc. And…she just got a boyfriend, her first. Understandably, she’s excited and part of me is excited for her. But part of me is pissed beyond belief that she completely forgot what we were talking about in October. She’ll be graduating from high school in May, and she’s really driven to follow her chosen career of musical theatre, with the hopes of making it on Broadway someday. I really admire her for her passion to follow this dream, as it is a competitive field to pursue. She’s still waiting to hear back from all of the colleges she applied to, and still has to audition for some. So why she would choose this time, of all times, to be in a relationship is beyond me. I don’t know how long this will last, but it’s upsetting to me for several reasons. One, she’s already blowing me off in favor of this guy. I’m about to graduate from college, and even though I’m moving back home, it’s not in my plans to stay for long. My job search will kick into high gear as soon as Christmas break starts, and if all works out right, I’ll be in my own apartment, hopefully in another state, working for a TV station. So it’s understandable that I want to spend as much time as possible with my sister, my best friend, before I hopefully leave for good. She’ll also be leaving once she goes off to college because she’ll probably end up at an out-of-state school, so the chances of us seeing each other often will be slim. Which is natural, I know, but it makes sense that I want to hang out with her before that time comes.

Another reason I’m upset is that it makes me feel like a failure. My younger sister, still in high school, has a relationship before I ever did. And no, the 3 week long fling in 7th grade doesn’t count, I don’t think we even held hands. My mom is really excited for my sister, and is simultaneously trying to reassure me that I’ll end up finding a guy, probably at work. And I’m struggling with trying to tell her that maybe I’m not actually interested in guys, and why does it matter if I’m single or not? Before my sister got into this relationship (which, BTW, only started this week so it hasn’t been going on forever), I was perfectly fine being a single lady. It never upset me that I wasn’t with someone, only a little bit when well-meaning people would jokingly ask “Do you have a boyfriend?” And it only upsets me because I think people expect that girls, all girls, need a man by their side to have any worth. And that is ridiculously untrue. I’m finally becoming more secure in myself, and it sure as hell isn’t because I have a boyfriend. It’s because I’m valuing myself more, and not worrying so much about what other people think. I don’t need someone to complete me, because I’m a complete person in and of myself!

That being said, I’m not opposed to a relationship. But as I mentioned, things are complicated for me right now, and I don’t want to complicate them further. I want to focus all my energy on finding a job I will like or even love and building a new life for myself in a new place. I don’t think it’s selfish to want to pursue this. And it doesn’t make me a lonely person because I’m alone. I have friends. I have family. Most of all, I’ve gained so much independence living on my own at school for the past year and a half that I feel perfectly okay with being alone sometimes.

If you’re alone, but not lonely, I want you to know that we’re in the same boat, and it’s totally okay! If you don’t feel like you have to have somebody at this point in your life, that’s great. I just want more women out there to realize that you’re not weird if you don’t have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) and life will go on if you don’t want to be in a relationship at one point or another. Just value yourself for who YOU are, and that’s all that matters.

What’s your take on this touchy subject?


7 thoughts on “Alone but not Lonely.

  1. First of all, it’s nice to hear from you again! I’d been wondering how you’ve been doing lately. As for this certainly touchy topic, I have several thoughts about it. As I’ve mentioned before, I have never had a boyfriend, even though I am 20 and in college. Granted, it is a community college, where you don’t exactly hang out with your classmates outside of class very often, but it is still unusual for someone my age to never have dated anyone! Having a boyfriend simply isn’t high on my list of priorities right now; I would rather focus on my ballet classes, applying to 4-year colleges since I am transferring next year, and spending time with my family. My 15 year old sister has already had more than one boyfriend, so I definitely feel like the odd one out among the girls in my family (my older sister is married). However, I don’t think I am necessarily ready for a relationship right now–and that’s perfectly fine. In regards to your uncertainty about your sexuality, I know that can be a tough thing to deal with, but I promise that I will NEVER judge you regardless of what you decide, and I am always here to lend a listening ear:) I think it’s fantastic that you’ve gained independence over the past several months, and I sincerely hope that your physical health is also in good shape. Again, like you said, I don’t think having a boyfriend or girlfriend while in high school or college is ALWAYS a bad idea, but we shouldn’t feel pressured to be in a relationship simply because all of our friends or family members are in one. I am sorry that you haven’t been able to spend much time with your sister because of her new boyfriend, but remember that she is probably excited about it, since it is a new experience. It doesn’t mean she will abandon you or never spend time with you again;) Anyway, I hope to hear from you again sometime soon, and remember that I am always here if you need to chat about anything! I wish you all the best!

    • I think it’s great that you’re focusing on ballet and college–so many girls give up their passions and plans to be with a guy, and I don’t think that’s okay. I think if you can make it work while including both, then that’s fine, but it can be hard to do.

      I hope I can keep up with the blogging over here, and I will definitely let you know if I need some support/advice on anything I’m dealing with! Feel free to do the same (:

  2. It can definitely get hard to do what you want when a guy gets involved. I think that establishing a career base before getting serious is smart. I was in a rare situation where we liked each other, and as we grew found out we liked each other even more and that our lives just perfectly meshed together. I think that finding a partner in life is important but that doesn’t mean you have to do it right away. It’s nice to have a companion, but it’s not urgent. (I always feel weird giving this view because I’m only 20 and already married.) It is totally okay to be alone but not lonely. Society has this huge weird thing on placing a bigger value on being in a relationship than there really is. It’s nice to be in one if it’s with the right person, but it doesn’t make you any less of a person to not be in one.

    Also, I hope you know that whatever your sexuality that’s great, that’s fine, that’s you. I recently accepted and became more open with my bisexuality. “Just value yourself for who YOU are, that’s all that matters.”

    • I actually think it’s awesome that you married young, because that’s what works for YOU! I’m constantly in awe (in a good way) of my friends and acquaintances who’ve married recently because I still feel like I’m too immature to make that kind of decision.

      “Also, I hope you know that whatever your sexuality that’s great, that’s fine, that’s you.” —> This is exactly what I needed to hear, so thank you! I’ve been really struggling with this a lot lately, and it’s all so confusing and exciting to me because it’s all things I never really considered before. I think I’m somewhat of a ‘late bloomer’, maybe because of my ED, and I kind of repressed any sort of thoughts about my sexuality, and discovering it now is kind of an interesting process.

  3. I’m like you at the moment. I’m happy being single, I’m comfortable with my independence and I feel like the stereotypical ‘you need a man’ vibe is a bunch of bullshit. I’m at a place where I just want to focus on me, my degree at university and finding a job {any job} in the city to help me keep my head above water. However, I am not opposed to a relationship if one was going to start. My sister, on the other hand, always seems to have some sort of relationship. She has had more serious relationships than I have and she’s only eighteen. I’m more of a one to call ‘bullshit’ when it comes to a relationship though. I’m the one who calls the shots, essentially ‘the man’ in the relationship haha ;] However, she (and my friends) seem to place a lot of their self-worth on whether or not they have a relationship/are dating/have someone interested in them but I couldn’t give a toss. That’s the part that confuses them, I think. I do have those moments of ‘forever alone’ but 99% of the time I’m perfectly happy with ‘being alone’ simply because I’m not. Like you said, we have friends and family…maybe an animal or two to keep us company ;]
    As for the sexuality deal, I know it is a hard thing to deal with but I (and other bloggers) will always be here to listen and support you. We love you and your blog for you – not your orientation. Your ‘real life’ friends will be the same way. I identify with being straight but hey, sometimes a little bit of being bi-curious creeps up in there ;] It’s a good time. We’re young – this is the time when we’re supposed to figure this stuff out; whether it takes a week, a month or a year we will be here and supporting you 100% of the way! :]

    • I feel like we’re very similar! I’m sort of cautious going into any sort of relationship, like I don’t want to become consumed by it in any way, and I know I need my space and independence either way. I really think it’s sad when girls place all their value in having a boyfriend, because there’s so much more to them that’s worthwhile. But society really places a high value on relationships, which makes it hard to feel like they aren’t the most important thing.

      I’m so thankful for the support, too! I was honestly really worried I’d get some negative comments on here regarding my potential orientation, but honestly it’s still a learning process for me and I know I’d be supportive of any of my friends and blogging friends if they were going through the same thing.

  4. Pingback: That Post-Grad Life. | Real. Food. Girl.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s